A few of you just snorted at the title, I could feel it… futuristically feel it, that is. ‘Two months little girl? Try 25 years.’ Don’t worry my marriage veterans, I’m not here to tell you I have this whole “till death do us part” thing figured out, I’m here to tell you what I’ve gotten out of it thus far. Many of the things I list now, might not be true for my marriage 6 months or 5, 10, 20 years down the line, from what I can see that’s the beauty of this roller coaster — it’s ever-changing.
So what have I learned, you may wonder? Well, even if you didn’t I’m about to tell you.
Husbands are expensive to feed — This one is no shocker, men are bottomless food pits. When I was single, living alone, my grocery bill ran about $150 per month. I rarely looked at various food prices, I didn’t have too, I’m low maintenance to feed.
Since marriage, we have to be extremely careful that it is not $100 PER WEEK. The first month I cooked something different for lunch and dinner, I was building wife points. Month two, wife points? Boy, we are cooking on a budget. Even still, the man is ALWAYS hungry AND he snacks before dinner AND he eats dessert AND he stays skinny. The last part is the one that gets me… I’m strongly considering pouring a little Ivomec down his back. Kidding, kinda. ;) (For anyone outside of agriculture, Ivomec is a pour-on cattle dewormer.)
Baby Talk — You thought people overly asked how soon you would start trying to have a baby before marriage? Multiply that times 10 from the moment you say ‘I Do.’ But it is no longer just family and friends bringing up offspring. You find yourself talking about it more than you ever thought. Not in a ‘let’s have a baby soon’ way, but just curious about them — who they may look like, act like, their interests, who they will become. But let’s not get to carried away here, every talk about offspring is ended with “Not. Anytime. Soon.” or “Practice makes perfect, and let’s aim for perfection.”
Speaking of practice…
Interrupted *cough* ‘Playtime’ — “Hey, the newlyweds are probably having sex right now, let’s call to chat and/or go visit them.” Okay, maybe that isn’t peoples exact train of thought… but it seems that way. It never fails our cell phones start ringing, or the doorbell starts chiming. The bad thing about the doorbell is, that one can’t be avoided. We live on a busy road, practically in town, the three vehicles we own are all parked outside, in front of the house, there might as well be a damn billboard saying WE ARE HOME.
To add flame to the fire, our home is very small, so sneaking around inside is not an option. So let’s just say if newlywed things are happening in the back of the house when the doorbell rings, and clothes were left in the front of the house with all the windows, you’re up a creek. That leaves the person who has an extra pair of clothes on the floor or in the laundry to answer the door and visit, leaving the other person stranded in the back until visitors leave. Somehow, I’m always the one stranded, and My Someone is a talker, so that means I’m stranded for awhile. On the plus side, this is usually the perfect time to paint nails.
My nails are pretty much always painted the last two months.
Men are Messy — When I first met My Someone he told me how in college the house of women he lived with were incredibly messy, how he and the one other male in the house were always the ones to clean, and how he couldn’t stand a dirty house.
Now, as his wife, I’ve discovered he totally lied. There is a reason he is always the one to have clothes nearby when the above scenario happens, because I put mine away. He is also a farmer, hunter and roper. Meaning the amount of manure, ammunition and gloves I clean up is redonkulous. It’s like living with Pig Pen from the Peanuts.
You Become ‘That Wife’ — You know, the one you said you’d never be. The one who hasn’t worn makeup all week, the one sporting yoga pants and her husbands oversized tee.
I work from home, it’s been a long winter, <insert many more excuses here> as to why camouflage moccasins, yoga pants and a Murray State (My Someone’s Alma Mater) t-shirt are now considered acceptable Tuesday attire.
Sure Danielle, just keep telling yourself that is ‘acceptable.’
And while we’re on Murray State t-shirts…
You Inherit a Whole New Wardrobe — What’s yours is mine, and holy comfiness! I suddenly have a huge selection of t-shirts, hoodies and lounge pants. It’s glorious!
Showering Together is not Like a Nicholas Sparks Novel — Who needs a steamy make out session when you can style your wife’s shampoo-laden hair like a Who from Whoville or use your husband’s face as a target for shooting water through your front teeth.
When our maturity level isn’t that of Kindergarteners, it is the polar opposite. The shower for some reason has become the meeting place of serious conversations and financial decisions. Because doesn’t everyone get hit with, “I have to go to Frankfort next week for a meeting,” or “I’ve picked out a group of heifers I need you to approve before we buy,” while shaving their legs?
Oh and you don’t have to guess about when these ‘shower meetings’ will be happening, because “HEY! I’M TAKING A SHOWER NOW” is commonly yelled through our home, and just in case you can’t hear the yelling, a text message will soon follow.
Money is not Sexy — During our pre-marital counseling, there was this whole lessen on how “money can be sexy if you’re constantly communicating with your spouse.” Well, no offense to the Catholic church or Dave Ramsey, but we communicate daily about our finances and I have yet to see the turn on. Money is not sexy to newlyweds, because newlyweds don’t have money. Maybe if they offered a course on “Sexy financial planning for beginning ranchers,” then I’d find the appeal. Wait, never mind, that whole sentence is an oxymoron.
The Idea You Have of Buying Your First Home Changes — We currently live in a rent house on my in-laws land. Which has been incredibly helpful, but being the independent driven duo we are, the search for something to call our own began the moment we were pronounced man and wife. During that search we found land, and with that I kissed goodbye the dream of a cute starter home with a two car garage and hello to the prospect of a 1991 single wide trailer.
The last time I lived in a single wide, I was four years old in the swamps of southern Louisiana. The floor of the entire place was slanted, and at night, my parents had to carry my sister and I from the car to the house on their shoulders, since the gators would sleep, hiding beneath the a dense layer of fog, on the banks close by.
So, judging from my personal experience, I wasn’t real keen on the idea at first. But as the reality of our bank account set in, a little pin-spiration on home remodeling and the realization of the lack of gators in western Kentucky, I began to sing a different tune — one that is much more accepting of being the Queen of my own single wide.
Before you get married, everyone tells you what marriage will be like at first. That you will be broke, that you get to know your significant other on a whole other level, and if they weren’t before, they will truly become your best friend. However, until you experience it yourself, you can’t fully understand what others have said. Marriage is messy, chaotic, fun and amazing. One thing I have learned to be most true in the past two months is that there is no one else I could imagine sharing this crazy adventure with.
And on that note, I will leave you with this…